He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
