after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
