Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
