My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
