I love black thongs
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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