You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
