If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
