I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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