Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
