Plan B is the new Plan A
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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