You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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