Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize