I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
