I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
