Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
