i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
