Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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