good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We talked him into tasing himself.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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