I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
