My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
