nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
