All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
