Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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