We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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