If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
