Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
