Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
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