There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
