Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
