Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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