I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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