Don't make out with my wife yet
i think my mom watched the whole time
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
