I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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