my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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