im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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