If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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