There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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