I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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