Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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