you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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