They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
