you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
