I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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