I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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