her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
