Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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