i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
