Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
