And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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