I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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