youre lurking in front of me
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
