i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You need Xanax blowdarts
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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