How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
