i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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