I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
