this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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