He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
