Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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