i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Drunk is a universal language darling
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
