Sponge bath it is.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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