I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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