i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
