even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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