if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
