I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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