just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
