Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
