Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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