You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
