I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
