So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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