im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
