i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
